Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
I'm acorn-y person.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
I have bean thinking about you.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!