My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
I love you so fairy much.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Some bunny loves you.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow