Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
You seem a little mer-mad.
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Witch you were here.