What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
Do you squat here often?
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
"Darling, you're on fire. Like doughnut grease."
- Duck Dynasty
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Nice beach balls, can I play?