I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.