How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
You’re so hot, you denature my enzymes.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
My love for you is like no otter.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
Hey I am like a Rubik's cube the more you play with me the harder I get!
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!