Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.