Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
French people give me the crepes.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?