What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.

What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.

“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”

-Dave Barry

Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin

I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.

How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.

What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.

When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!

Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.

What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!

What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.

I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.

Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.

“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt

Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!

When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Knock knock!

Who's there?
Al.

Al who?

Al give you a kiss if you open the door.

Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.

I love you and I ain’t lion.

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.

“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.

Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.

Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!

What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What did the car call his new band?

Back Seat Boys.

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill

"I'm eggs-hausted."

Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”

What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee

What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.

Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.

My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.

I’m optimistic!

Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.

What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!

After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”

Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.

Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.

A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.

What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.

How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?

If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.

Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!