Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
I may be dressed as a vampire tonihgt, but if you play your cards right you might be the one sucking
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
"Just one hot chick."
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
I just gotta say, you and that dog are looking awfully fetching in your photos.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.