What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
You are my raisin to smile.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
How hot does your gas oven get?
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.