Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
You make miso happy.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
I hear you're looking for a stud. Well, I've got the STD and all I need is you.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
Wanna see my norwegian wood?
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
A knight asks a squire for the time
The squire says: it seems to be 3 pm
The knights shuts his visor and says: no, its knight time
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.