I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.

Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.

What did the evaporating raindrop say?

I’m going to pieces.

Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.

Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.

You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.

When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.

Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !

Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.

What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.

How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.

How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.

Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.

Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.

Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.

What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.

Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.

What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.

I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.

Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.

When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.

Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.

It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.

My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.

How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.

Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.

Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.

Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled

Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.

I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.

This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.

Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.

My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.

Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!