Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.

How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.

“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris

Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?

Oh gosh gal your eyes look like falling stars.

Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.

Let’s go to my place. I’d like to show you my puck collection.

When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"

What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.

I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.

How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.

Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.

There’s no reason to wine about you.

“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”

Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.

“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs

How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.

What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.

“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith

“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

- Jim Gaffigan.

She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.

"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!

Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.

What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.

I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.

"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson

What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.

Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!

What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.

What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!

“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”

What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.

Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.

My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.

What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.

Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder

How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”