English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.

“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”

- Robert Brault.

Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.

Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.

What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.

My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.

What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.

Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.

Double bubble gum, bubbles double

I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”

What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T

Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!

Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan

A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"

What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"

Me: "No it doesn't.”

All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.

My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.

Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.

I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!

What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.

What sport are eggs best at?
Running.

Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.

If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.

Let me plant one on ya!

I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome

“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West

An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!

What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!

Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!

I find you very a-peeling.

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!

What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.