Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
You are pitcher perfect.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.