My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
You look a lot like my next victim.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Shake your shamrocks.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
"You bake me crazy."
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.