What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
"Just one hot chick."
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
I can sea clearly now.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.