I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Let’s make some pour decisions.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Come witch me to the party.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin