What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
God was just showing off when he made you.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.