Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan

Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.

What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pickle

Pickle who?

Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!

What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.

What do flowers study in college?
STEM.

We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.

Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case

My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'

What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.

My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.

What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.

Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

I Tour de Francy you.

I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.

What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

You mermaid to go far.

"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins

What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.

I eat eel while you peel eel

"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous

What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.

What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.

What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.

How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.

"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers

What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.

What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.

What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.

Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.

I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.

Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.