What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
We're donion rings.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I need to take this picture for my instayam
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
You make my heart slip 'n slide.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.