Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown