Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
"Just looking on the sunny side."
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
We are perfect balance for each other.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell