Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
I goat this.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.