Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.