Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism