I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Don’t worry, beer happy.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Wanna dance? I can really put your inertia in motion.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.