“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler

My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?

Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.

How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”

- Paul Reiser.

I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!

What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor

What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.

Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.

Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?

Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.

If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?

Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.

To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.

France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.

I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.

Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.

What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle

We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.

Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.

Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?

The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous

Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.

I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child

What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.

Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date

Resting Grinch face.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.

Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.

What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.

John, you have so much po(tato)tential!

How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.

I like you cherry much.

My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!

The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.

"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn

We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.

I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?

Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!