Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
It takes one to snow one.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light