As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
"Eggs-cuse me."
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.