What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners!"
— Roald Dahl
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
I always have a souper time with you.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?