“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
Did you know you look good in short pants?
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Life is brew-tiful!
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.