What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…