What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
You’re my #1 pick.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.