Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Talk literary to me.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin