How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Are you a human? Just making sure.
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
You snow the drill.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.