Does February like March?
No, but April May.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
You’re sweeter than fructose.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
People are always after me lucky charms.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”