What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”