What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
70 percent of the human body is made up of water and im very thirsty.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
Long time no sea.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.