How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl