I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.