What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.

What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.

“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”

In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.

What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.

Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.

Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.

Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.

How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey

“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett

What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.

How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.

The goal nine yards

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket

What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.

Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.

Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww

"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock

Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!

I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!

A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."

You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

Look for a rainbow connection.

If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.

Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.

Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.

What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!

Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.

Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx

Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."

Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.

How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!