What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
Air resistance is a real drag.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I now believe in Angels.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.