Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
"You bake me crazy."
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck