I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?