Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Owl always love you.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
Time to spruce things up.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
Take off all your cloves.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
I think we'd make a cute pear.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Ah! The element of surprise.