Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!

I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!

I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl

I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.

Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.

Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.

Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.

Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman

I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.

If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.

What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.

How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak

Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.

“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder

What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.

I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".

What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”

With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.

What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.

Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?

What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.

Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."

What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!

Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.

Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum

What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”

What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.

Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.

What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”

We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?