What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Mooning is very ASStrological
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
That’s a bit mulch.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training