Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
You are pitcher perfect.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Snow thank you.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C: