Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.

How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.

How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.

I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.

They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”

- Ed Asner.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!

“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor

I have so mushroom in my heart for you.

You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.

I call the shots.

“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner

What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.

What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air

My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.

Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.

Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.

Remember to stop and smell the rosé.

While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."

Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing

What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!

What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.

Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.

Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled

Be a winner, date a swimmer!

What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!

Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!

I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?

"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente

What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.

Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.

Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door

“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."

Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.

Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.